I am so lonely. My subconscious has become my companion. I feel abandoned by friends. My birthday was on the 7th and none of the people I call friends sent even a text message to wish me a good day. I cannot get over it. It just reinforced the knowledge in my head that if anything was to happen to me, nobody would know, and even worse, that nobody would care. I am so sad all the time. I crave contact, I crave affection. I would give anything for someone to hold me and just make me feel cared for. Sometimes I feel like I wish for it so hard that I feel subconscious hands hold me. Its not enough. I worry for my sanity sometimes. I wonder why things are so hard for me. I have friends who can never seem to remain single and always attract someone to them, and I cannot even get a person to like me back. Went on a date 2 weeks ago, and then never heard back from them. I am the common denominator. I guess it does not help that I look like a troll so what else do I expect. I know I am supposed to love my self but I don’t.I can’t. I hate myself so much. I try to be with friends and I guess even they tire of me. By reading this one may think that I am a teenager, sometimes I wish I was, then I would not have all that wasted life under my belt. I am just so tired. I guess its one foot in front of the other.

How does one define depression?…..Most people I hear speak of it talk of debilitating feelings of sorrow, and exhaustion to the point of not being able to get out of bed. Can one be depressed without these actions?

I feel that I may be depressed. I do not cry, but I am stricken with an intense weariness¬†that seems to be my constant companion. I have lost the ability to find joy in my life. I have lost the desire to exercise and as a result have gained weight, seem to be finding myself isolating myself more and more……. have had successes and victories in my life that I don’t even have the desire or energy to celebrate…. The irony of it being that I have never been so lonely in my life, and yet the idea of being around people is just something I cannot seem to find in myself. With respect to romantic aspirations, I am at the point where I have accepted the fact that I will probably end up alone…… how the heck am I supposed to be with someone when I just can’t be with, or don’t know how to be with someone?…… It is even affecting me sexually….. Over the past year masturbating has become difficult for me as I seem to have lost the ability to feel my orgasms, even when I do feel it, the sensation is so muted I may as well have just wasted my time with the build up to nothing. After so many disappointments, I think my brain is at the giving up point. I am so broken in so many ways that how the heck can I get and give pleasure to someone else if I cannot even do that for myself. So there’s that…..Maybe I am depressed after all, or maybe it is just an acceptance of my new reality.

I still do not cry. Maybe I should, but what will it change? I wake up, I work, and I come home. I really hope things change for me emotionally though, this feeling can be really exhausting

 

 

Today was not a good day. For the most part I am okay with my job and while it could pay better, I like the people I work with and it is a very relaxed atmosphere. Something that is sorely lacking is training however. They tack on these responsibilities to you with no advance warning and you are expected to know your shit and no one is there to support you should you need it. 

Another thing that has been bugging me a lot lately is that my boss has this really bad habit of pulling rank on you when trying to  explain things to you and couches it in jokes. He makes you feel insignificant and he can be rude,and while most other times I can laugh it off , today I just don’t have the patience to deal with him.

It is especially bugging me as I recently received a job offer that I am in the middle of salary negotiations on. One of the reasons I am dragging my feet on that offer is that I feel a certain sense of loyalty to this place . But then I have days like this where I just want to pack it all in and walk out. I will have to make some life altering decisions in the next few days and I don’t want to be pushed into a decision because of a bad day. Hopefully this feeling passes

Same weight as yesterday. Which I won’t complain too much about since I had alot to eat at lunch yesterday and my cardio session was subpar……
Goal is to remain focused and keep it up. I am still losing weight cumulatively so I will focus on that and go at it again today and hope for a better outcome. …

Woke up at 156lbs today. I expected it as i may have overindulged abit this past weekend. I won’t beat myself too much about it but I feel am on the right track still and just need to stay focussed. I am getting stronger and am fighting to overcome my mind which at this point is my biggest challenge. I have to remind myself that I have what it takes to do this. That and resisting temptation. I also need to learn the tools to eat better while out and not overdo it.

Did not work out yesterday so I was worried about the scale coming in this morning. Seems like I should not have….. Woke up at 155.6¬†this morning so am super stoked. Have a lot to do today so I will make sure my eating is on point so I don’t lose my gains. I cannot believe it. That was a really good thing and I needed a good number on the scale. I may actually be able to lose these pounds. Yay!!!!

On another note, how about that SCOTUS ruling. I am really really excited about it.

This was a good way to ring in the weekend.

Same weight as yesterday. Its okay though. Days like these will be the test of me remaining in the headspace where I can ignore a negative weigh in and focus on what I need to do. Have to make sure I get in a workout today though.
Side note……. really worried about the SCOTUS ruling on marriage equality. I really hope it goes well…… for alot of people. #lovewins