This one is not about me. I am not religious in the slightest but I try to live my life as best I can just because it is the right thing to do. I believe in trying to send out positive vibes into the environment because….. why the heck not…… So here goes nothing.

Universe, please look out for my sister. She has a blood condition that has just taken over her life so much this year and she is having surgery on Wednesday to have a port put in to be able to get her treatments. While it seems like a simple enough procedure, her platelet levels are practically nonexistent, and she could bleed out if something was to go wrong. I am scared. While I try, am probably not the best person to walk this earth but she is the most selfless person I know. She has helped me out in so many ways over the years expecting nothing in return, even when I was not the best sister she could have.

She is finally living her life for herself, she has met a man who adores her, she is successful in her career, and deserves the time to enjoy it. So this is my prayer universe….. Please, please keep her safe. She is the bravest person I know and I know she is trying to be strong for us but is scared. I just realized today how real this is. I am terrified of losing her..

Please keep her safe.

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I get this way sometimes. My life is pretty constant and nothing bad has happened but periodically I just get so lonely. I think I am going through that right now. Have been saturating myself with  gay story-lines on soap operas(ha!) on YouTube and I have this intense need for a hug. Like a good long hard hug. Its  during  times like these that I realize how I walk through life with such limited  physical contact. Its during times like these I crave it so much I can almost taste it. I don’t want to be so morose, but I think I have to admit, albeit to myself that my true nature is melancholy.

I was watching an interview on YouTube with Wentworth Miller, whereby he was asked about his definition of happiness, and he said something to the effect of he does not experience it often, but tries to strive for contentment as happiness is a rarity. I think I can say that that definition works for me. I know true happiness is not something I will ever have, but if I seek out some piece of contentment, then things will be okay

Gratitude: My dogs. They have been the key to my contentment lately. Their unbridled excitement makes me smile every day and keeps me out of my head.

So my birthday came and went. I did not mention to anyone that it was my birthday, and as a result, no-one had any wishes for me. It was expected, and kinda stung but not as bad as last year. I am getting used to it. Spoke to my sister overseas for a good minute and that was nice, though I am sure she thinks I am the most pathetic kind of human to have no-one to share my birthday with. I did get 3 texts wishing me a happy birthday and 5 (haha) comments on Facebook. Aint that something.

Tomorrow is a new day. I think I have decided that after I return from my trip overseas, I will start looking for another job. Today was pretty key in deciding that. Will start leveraging whatever networks I have and start looking for other opportunities. I need to go somewhere I can grow. That is not going to happen where I am at.

Gratitude: That I lived to see another year, my dogs, that I have a job.

I took my birthday off my Facebook profile a while back. I did not want people to feel like they had to wish me anything. More like I wanted to give a hallway pass to people I thought would say something, that way it did not hurt when they said nothing. It happened last year and it burned. It will happen again, but I don’t want to hurt.
However, I am 35 today. I am going to choose to dwell on the positive. It will probably be a quiet one, but I will go to the gym and come back to my dogs. I know for a fact I will get loads of kisses and love from them..
Gratitude: I think I am stronger mentally, I blame the dogs. Really they have changed my life. I have these little humans that depend on me for their existence. Even when they drive me nuts, I will be forever grateful for them.

Its been a while ay!….
The world has surely changed since the last time I was here. Heck, my life has really changed. It’s almost 1 year since I last wrote on here. I have decided to be better at journalling so that I can have something to look back to. My job is going well so far. It is getting abit boring and I am sure I would be better served challenging myself but I am chalking it up to getting good experience to put on my resume for the future. Financially the pay is shit, but hopefully in the next 2 years I will be singing a different tune.
I bought a house! Yeah, I totally did. The idea of Trump scared me into adulting and I became a homeowner in October 2016. The experience is a constant challenge, especially since I am doing it on my own, and therefore money is really tight right now. Hopefully this will come through next year during tax season because for the first time in my life I owed on my tax return. (Fuck you Trump)
I also got 2 dogs. They are Chihuahua and Dachshund mixes that have taken over my life. They shed like mad making me a slave to my vacuum cleaner…lol, but they bring me so much happiness. They take me out of my head and bring me peace.
My weight and self esteem issues are probably going to be a lifelong struggle. I am going to the gym and working on weight training, and trying to watch what I eat, so hopefully this will manifest in a better physique.
Looking back at my journal entries, there is an underbelly of sadness and woe to each post. While those feelings are there and I will have to deal with them for the rest of my life, it does not reflect the things I have to be thankful for. Going forward, I will put in something I am grateful for in each post.
Gratitude:
That my health is relatively good, that my family, as flawed as it is is relatively intact, my dogs, my house.

I am so lonely. My subconscious has become my companion. I feel abandoned by friends. My birthday was on the 7th and none of the people I call friends sent even a text message to wish me a good day. I cannot get over it. It just reinforced the knowledge in my head that if anything was to happen to me, nobody would know, and even worse, that nobody would care. I am so sad all the time. I crave contact, I crave affection. I would give anything for someone to hold me and just make me feel cared for. Sometimes I feel like I wish for it so hard that I feel subconscious hands hold me. Its not enough. I worry for my sanity sometimes. I wonder why things are so hard for me. I have friends who can never seem to remain single and always attract someone to them, and I cannot even get a person to like me back. Went on a date 2 weeks ago, and then never heard back from them. I am the common denominator. I guess it does not help that I look like a troll so what else do I expect. I know I am supposed to love my self but I don’t.I can’t. I hate myself so much. I try to be with friends and I guess even they tire of me. By reading this one may think that I am a teenager, sometimes I wish I was, then I would not have all that wasted life under my belt. I am just so tired. I guess its one foot in front of the other.

How does one define depression?…..Most people I hear speak of it talk of debilitating feelings of sorrow, and exhaustion to the point of not being able to get out of bed. Can one be depressed without these actions?

I feel that I may be depressed. I do not cry, but I am stricken with an intense weariness that seems to be my constant companion. I have lost the ability to find joy in my life. I have lost the desire to exercise and as a result have gained weight, seem to be finding myself isolating myself more and more……. have had successes and victories in my life that I don’t even have the desire or energy to celebrate…. The irony of it being that I have never been so lonely in my life, and yet the idea of being around people is just something I cannot seem to find in myself. With respect to romantic aspirations, I am at the point where I have accepted the fact that I will probably end up alone…… how the heck am I supposed to be with someone when I just can’t be with, or don’t know how to be with someone?…… It is even affecting me sexually….. Over the past year masturbating has become difficult for me as I seem to have lost the ability to feel my orgasms, even when I do feel it, the sensation is so muted I may as well have just wasted my time with the build up to nothing. After so many disappointments, I think my brain is at the giving up point. I am so broken in so many ways that how the heck can I get and give pleasure to someone else if I cannot even do that for myself. So there’s that…..Maybe I am depressed after all, or maybe it is just an acceptance of my new reality.

I still do not cry. Maybe I should, but what will it change? I wake up, I work, and I come home. I really hope things change for me emotionally though, this feeling can be really exhausting